Chapter 1: The Nature of Faith

As a young child, I was taught that faith involves believing in the unseen. However, in my six-year-old perspective, the unseen consisted solely of religious symbols, artifacts, and promises for the future. Faith felt like a mist, something that might someday bear fruit, yet without any tangible evidence. The more faith I held, the more I felt a void.

We are all striving. Those words linger in my mind like a trapeze artist in mid-air, urging me to embrace compassion, much like the relentless flow of a river shaped by its obstacles. I offer my essence to the universe, only to reach out again, feeling as if the particles slip away from my grasp. There's a fear that arises as I let go of old habits.

Validation became a necessity for me. I relied on it to heal old wounds. Eventually, this validation turned into a euphoric rush that I sought through social media interactions and relationships. I was unaware that the fulfillment of self-acceptance could surpass the need for external approval. Not relying on others’ acceptance felt akin to soaring high above a circus crowd.

Currently, I prefer to avoid superficial displays. I crave genuine connections. Regardless of past scars, I long for authentic relationships. When offered cheap food on a stick, I redirect my attention to the trees and ask, "Do you grow leaves? Can you endure harsh winters?"

A thought-provoking question emerged: Does creativity belong to us or the universe? I've come to realize that I don’t possess anything; instead, I am a participant in the greater whole. Which perspective holds more weight?

Numerous stories are spun by those too apathetic to acknowledge the truth. A friend recounted Edvard Munch's iconic painting, The Scream. He had taken a stroll with friends when the sky turned crimson; upon returning home, he painted. For ages, people have interpreted it as a depiction of mania, but that’s not the case.

Historically, it has been said that young men go to war in search of glory. While I can’t claim this to be untrue, young men do not perish for glory; they sacrifice themselves for one another.

As a child, my father and I would float down the South Umpqua River—no boats or inner tubes, just our bodies gliding on the water. This was a profound way to learn the river's nuances, feeling its shifts, where the rapids thrilled, and where it was warm and tranquil. We floated while otters played along the muddy banks, and deer darted through the brush, with the sun slicing the sky into triangular segments.

Then I transitioned from a boy into a man, branching out into the world, seeking experiences that would confirm my established beliefs. I discovered that if I looked for validation, I would always find it. If I wished to maintain my lifelong beliefs, there were echo chambers to support me.

What I failed to recognize was the sheer effort required to sustain the quest for truth. The acrobatics of questioning and exploring demand energy. Holding onto beliefs is a static endeavor, while reshaping them is kinetic. Growth as a thinker necessitates hard work. At one time, I aspired to be both a thinker and a modern-day hedonist.

I once believed that God held all the answers. Now, I see God as a metaphor for personal initiative. For eighteen years, my mother claimed God was her reason for remaining stagnant. However, God embodies evolution.

We are meant to evolve towards a higher state of consciousness. We don’t remain static. We advance toward fulfillment, which cannot be found in a mouse hole. Now, when I contemplate God, I envision the one who assures me that I possess the strength to thrive independently. When faced with challenges, I recognize that I am made of the same substance as my obstacles; the solution lies within me.

I may not know much, but I understand this: when I think I have the answers, anxiety creeps in. I begin to reassess my assumptions, feeling the ground shift beneath me while I continue to step forward. Life has a way of unfolding beneath my feet, reminding me of the age-old adage regarding pride and downfall.

People may insist that faith is defined by Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, or Confucianism. However, faith is inherently human. It is rising to face grief, traversing it like a bed of nails. Faith means going to work even when it doesn’t pay the bills. It involves holding back tears while reassuring your daughter that everything will be alright. Faith is rooted in self-belief, in progression, in inquiry, and in illumination.

Roman Newell is diligently working on his debut novel — 20XX — a magical realism narrative that delves into the complexities and conflicts of contemporary society amid shifting social norms, advancing technology, and the impact of trauma. Stay updated by following Roman's Substack for the 20XX contact list.

Explore the exhilarating world of trapeze with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey, showcasing incredible aerial feats and the artistry behind the performance.

Experience the best of trapeze from Cirque du Soleil, featuring breathtaking performances from productions like ALEGRIA, KOOZA, and more.