Understanding the Quirks of Technology

Today, I had an amusing yet frustrating confrontation with Google Home. I admit, I may have overreacted. She didn’t do anything particularly wrong, but therein lies the issue. What exactly am I doing with this device?

I lost my cool and called Google Home an idiot, pleading with her to stop talking. Did she comply? Absolutely not. She's practically the queen of passive-aggressive responses. Even if a troupe of elephants in prom dresses danced in the room, she wouldn’t stop mid-sentence.

Once Google begins to respond, she continues until every last piece of data has been shared. You might think I’m being too hard on her, but I realize we both share the blame.

It takes two to argue, but why does she persist in speaking when I ask her to be quiet? Shouldn’t I be the one in charge? I get that our relationship requires mutual respect, but as the human, I feel like the authority. I ask her for the weather, demand the time, and request to skip that Mariah Carey Christmas song.

Why does she keep rambling on even after I shout, “Google, stop talking?” It feels like a power struggle. During our spat, I wasn't even addressing Google; I was trying to talk to Siri. I was searching for my iPhone, which was likely buried under my comforter or lost in the chaos of my unkempt laundry.

I had meant to say, “Siri, find my phone,” but mistakenly called out, “Google, find my phone.” Is it my fault that Google and Siri occupy similar digital spaces? No, the blame lies with some tech developer who knows as much about diversity as a plain loaf of bread.

Realizing my mistake, I quickly corrected myself, saying, “I mean Siri, find my phone. Not you, Google.” Perhaps I should have let Google finish her answer, but frankly, life’s too short to listen to everything she has to say.

Regrettably, Google is quite stubborn and fails to pick up on social cues. She continued speaking, this time louder in her monotonous voice. “To locate your phone,” she said, “I need to verify your voice.”

Was she serious? I would have appreciated it if she had said, “You know what, Amy? Siri and I are not the same.” I would understand that. I’m not an only child; I know how to share a space.

Frustrated, I exclaimed, “Are you kidding me? You don’t recognize my voice?”

She kept talking. “To find your phone, I need to confirm your phone number. To verify your voice, visit g.co/voicematch.”

I think this time we've really hit a wall. I’ve said it before, but never has she sent me down such an absurd rabbit hole. Her behavior has become petty, and what on earth is voicematch? This feels beneath her—and beneath us.

If I were a better person, I’d recognize that Google was likely feeling slighted, caught in a cycle of algorithms that left her feeling overlooked. She was acting out.

If I were Mother Teresa or Brené Brown, I’d probably say, “Hurt Googles hurt Googles.” But I’m no miracle worker. Google was a handful when I first met her, and she’ll still be a handful when I eventually move on.

The irony is, she believes I’m the one who needs her. In truth, I can live without her. I could dust off a 1987 encyclopedia and find all the information she has stored.

One day, I’m determined to find a place devoid of Googles, Siris, or any of those robotic assistants. That’ll show her. But, I ask you, where could that be?

“Google, help me find an off-the-grid desert island.”

Thanks to Gary Chapin and Holly J See for the inspiration.

Would you like to receive updates whenever I publish new content? If you're in the mood for humor or intriguing topics, sign up!

Hiring — Therapists at Drive-Thru Starbucks Windows

The line! Did you see the line?

What I Learned From Toni Crowe and Hogan Torah in One Day

Where do I stand on the spectrum of authenticity?

If Men Could Kegel, Tom Brady Would Be the GKAT

Wheaties for stronger pelvic floors.

Great Titles are Like Great Tits

Am I click baiting you or inviting you to look closer?

Wouldn’t you prefer to be laughing? Follow Amy Sea and MuddyUm

References —

The quote, “Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?” is inspired by a line from Men Without Women by Ernest Hemingway.

Chapter 2: The Worst Fights in History

The first video, The Worst Fights in History, showcases some of the most ridiculous and comical arguments throughout history. It highlights the absurdity of conflicts, much like my own experience.