Navigating Sexual Critique: How to Share Feedback Gently
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Chapter 1 Understanding the Need for Feedback
After a sexual encounter, it’s common to express enjoyment with phrases like, "That was fun!" or "That was hot." But what if you want to be more specific? Perhaps you wish your partner would ease up on biting your neck or engage in more oral sex. While we all recognize that open communication is essential for a fulfilling sex life, articulating your desires without inadvertently hurting feelings can be quite challenging.
Dr. Shamyra Howard, a sexologist at We-Energy, emphasizes that giving constructive sexual feedback—what she prefers to call "joy pointers"—is crucial for enhancing both pleasure and ongoing sexual growth in relationships. However, providing such feedback can be tricky, especially since many individuals have not been taught how to engage in sexual communication, and the topic of sex can feel quite sensitive. Many people mistakenly believe their sexual performance is satisfactory across the board.
Section 1.1 Timing is Key
When it comes to discussing sexual feedback, Howard advises steering clear of these conversations immediately after sex.
"The only time to provide sexual feedback during the act is if someone is experiencing pain or there are safety concerns," she states. "It's better to have these discussions when both partners are prepared for them, which is why scheduling a weekly 'sexual intimacy check-in' is beneficial."
Howard also suggests discussing sexual preferences before sexual activity to alleviate anxiety related to performance.
Subsection 1.1.1 Suggested Questions for Intimacy Check-Ins
During these intimacy check-ins, consider asking the following questions:
- What aspects of our sexual relationship have you enjoyed recently?
- Is there something you wish we would do more of?
- Are there any sexual activities you would prefer we do less often?
- What can I do differently or better to enhance your pleasure next time?
- Is there any sexual information about you that could improve our relationship?
If discomfort or any unsafe situation arises during intimacy, Howard advises addressing it immediately and providing a visual cue for your partner.
"As long as you communicate with your partner respectfully, there’s no wrong way to express what you want," she adds. "Many partners respond well to visual demonstrations, such as saying, 'Let me show you what feels best,' or 'Try doing it this way,' while guiding them."
Section 1.2 Constructive Communication
While providing feedback, it’s essential to be honest, clear, and tactful.
"The goal is to achieve a solution-oriented outcome, so for every concern, suggest a possible solution," Howard explains. "Avoid phrases like, 'You never do this right,' as they can hinder your partner’s ability to hear and respond to your needs."
Additionally, steer clear of comments like, "This is the worst I've ever had," or "My last partner did it this way." The former is neither kind nor constructive, while the latter can lead to unnecessary comparisons.
Your aim should be to enhance mutual pleasure, focusing on the enjoyment you can create together, rather than measuring against past partners.
Chapter 2 Addressing Sexual Rejection
In the video "Understanding and Resolving the Hurt from Sexual Rejection," we delve into the emotional impacts of rejection in intimate relationships and explore ways to navigate these feelings constructively.
Additionally, "Facing Sexual Rejection From A Sexually Avoidant Spouse" with intimacy specialist Katie Ziskind offers insights into dealing with rejection and fostering a deeper connection with a partner who may be resistant to intimacy.