I found myself sitting on the cold bathroom floor, feeling the urge to vomit after an extravagant sushi dinner with a family member. We had indulged in sake, and the aftermath left me regretting my decisions. I had gone home, fallen asleep with my contacts in, and awoke hours later feeling the effects of excessive drinking. The uncomfortable sensation in my stomach made it clear I would soon be emptying its contents.

As I sat there, I reflected on why this was happening. At 26 years old, I was aware that binge drinking was a habit I had left behind in my college years. However, the pressure from my relative to share a bottle of sake led me to drink more than I intended, out of respect for their wishes. Although I tried to slow down, my attempts were thwarted by their insistence, and we neglected to hydrate with water.

This experience was a wake-up call, revealing that spending time with this relative was detrimental to my well-being, despite their good intentions. They struggled with binge drinking as a form of self-medication, which inadvertently pulled me into the same cycle. I realized that I could no longer rely on them to prioritize my best interests, and I had to advocate for myself. This realization marked a turning point in my trust towards my family.

In Chinese culture, respect is hierarchical, with elders receiving the utmost reverence. Filial piety dictates that younger generations obey and agree with their elders without question. This cultural norm was ingrained in me from a young age, with phrases like "guai," meaning well-behaved, echoing in my upbringing. My grandparents and parents often pushed me to conform to these standards, using guilt to manipulate my behavior.

As I transitioned into adulthood, I noticed that my cultural conditioning left me ill-equipped to navigate personal and professional relationships. I struggled with asserting myself, particularly when it came to saying "no." The lack of practice in declining requests from older relatives made it challenging to establish boundaries. It took time and support from my therapist to develop this critical skill.

Through therapy, I learned to frame my experiences, such as the binge drinking incident and the forced consumption of unappetizing foods, in a way that allowed me to reclaim my autonomy. I practiced simple phrases to assert my preferences, like "No thank you, I do not want that," which eventually became second nature in my professional life.

As I navigated my twenties, the pressure to be an "obedient daughter" continued. My relatives frequently reminded me to keep a tidy home and avoid going out at night. However, I realized that these expectations interfered with my social life and personal growth. I began to prioritize my relationships and self-care over their demands, which was a significant shift.

The values of obedience and respect rooted in my cultural background served me well in previous generations but often clashed with the expectations of modern Western society. The American workplace values assertiveness and open dialogue, where disagreement is not only accepted but encouraged. I recognized that my habitual deference hindered my professional growth, as I often sought permission and agreed to inconvenient requests.

Ultimately, I learned to adapt these cultural values, employing them when beneficial and discarding them when they no longer served me. I began to trust my judgment, focusing on what I needed to lead a fulfilling life. I resolved to no longer engage in binge drinking or endure unpleasant experiences against my will. This journey of self-discovery taught me to let go of outdated beliefs and embrace my autonomy.

As noted by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, I learned to "let die what must die," shedding the mental constraints that did not sustain my growth. In doing so, I discovered the power of saying "no" and reclaiming my life.