Chapter 1: Data Addiction and Personal Insights

Greetings, Andrew! I'm Andrew, and I proudly confess that I have a data obsession. We acknowledge our inability to manage the overwhelming influx of data — our regression analyses have spiraled out of control.

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During a casual dinner with friends last Sunday, I casually noted that the Economist Intelligence Unit's Democracy Index places the United States at 25th position — behind Chile, yet ahead of Estonia! Quite comforting, isn't it?

Interestingly, the US's score has been on a downward trend since 2010, when the index was first introduced, landing us in the "Flawed Democracy" category. We enjoyed the status of a Full Democracy until — surprise, surprise — 2016. Is it merely a coincidence that this decline aligns with the arrival of Cheeto Jesus on the political landscape? See page 6 for the answer key.

Returning to my penchant for data, my wife finds it amusing — not the sinking ratings of the US, which are ironically funny in a dark way, but rather the fact that I even read such indices and mention them in conversations.

She also chuckles at my cooking habits; I meticulously follow online recipes on my iPad, down to the smallest detail. I’ve made chicken parmigiana at least eleven times using the same recipe. When I ask her for ingredient suggestions, she insists, "Just figure it out!"

I attempted this approach once and couldn’t even entice my golden retriever to taste it, even with a drizzle of bacon grease!

Some editors at MuddyUm grumble about my spreadsheet tendencies. We like to think of ourselves as a modern-day Algonquin Round Table. The mere thought of Dorothy Parker and Robert Benchley grappling with a pivot table is enough to induce panic.

Before I share spreadsheets during our Zoom meetings, I give a heads-up to Holly J See and Carol Lennox. They come prepared with Pepcid chewables, a pack of Lucky Strikes, and a crossword puzzle — or perhaps it's Wordle, something to keep them distracted from the impending boredom.

What can I say? I have a passion for data. What I find less enjoyable is the process of acquiring it. This notion was the subject of my previous writing:

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Given my fellow editors have to endure my slightly irritating craving for data, I offered to gather insights. Amy Sea, who dominates Medium poker with skyscraper stacks compared to my humble bungalows, inquired, "What day gets the most reads?"

Honestly, I can’t fathom why Amy cares. She could publish a story on a non-existent February 29th and still garner more reads than my collective total over the ages.

As the saying goes, mine is not to question why. Mine is to uncover the truth.

Apologies for the language; I’m attempting to boost my SEO.

Where do we begin? Let's start with what Medium offers. This leads us directly to what it lacks.

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Perfect! There’s an API call from which I can extract all the data points used to create that handy column chart, right?

That was a rhetorical question. Naturally, there isn’t one. Why provide helpful data through an accessible API when you can take pleasure in watching someone spend hours crafting a screen-scraping program to achieve what could have been accomplished in one line of code?

So, I devised a new Python program. This one scrapes data from the column chart and compiles it into a CSV file — the go-to format for quick data retrieval.

Below is the Python function that performs the heavy lifting.

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So, Carol Lennox, if you're interested in trying this out, all you need to do is write some Python code. Look at all those vibrant colors! What fun!

Wait! It includes ActionChains? Ooooooo!

I feel like Tom Sawyer, painting my fence. Every kid who walks by wants to join in.

Before I overextend that metaphor, let’s take a look at a snippet of the CSV file.

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Whoa! Just like Fifty Shades of Grey, right? Please, if you have kids around, close your laptop!

The Medium stats chart displayed data for 90 days, giving me 90 rows to analyze. If you’re not fluent in arithmetic, grab a pencil and paper, and you can catch up with us later.

Of course, we need to calculate the average reads per day of the week. So, I added a section at the bottom of the spreadsheet. WARNING: DECIMALS AHEAD!

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My apologies! I completed this part manually using Excel formulas. I really should have automated it. That’s on my to-do list, alongside unpacking the box of ramekins from our move 22 years ago.

Finally, the chart. Ta-da!

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So the top three days appear to be Sunday, Saturday, and Monday, right?

Well, not quite. We need more data points, similar to how the GOP struggles to substantiate claims of election fraud. It's tough to build a case on limited data. Radical idea — start with one and expand from there?

I ran the same Python program six weeks ago. Here’s what I discovered.

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The leading days then were Friday, Saturday, and Thursday.

Hmm. Let’s inspect the top of that CSV file.

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Whoa! The first three days boasted impressive reads. Likely due to a story by Toni Crowe about booty calls, not a tale about spreadsheets. Those numbers skewed the overall data.

Let’s throw some Heinz Tomato Ketchup against the wall and see if it sticks. Saturday seems to draw the most readers. It’s the weekend, after all. This isn’t a groundbreaking revelation — more like stumbling upon that long-lost Celtics beer koozie.

A couple of caveats: I need more data. Honestly, if I don’t receive any soon, I might experience chills, abdominal cramps, and heart palpitations. Perhaps people are more inclined to read on Saturdays, regardless of the publication date. It’s tough to determine, especially given Medium’s stinginess with data.

To conclude, I’m contemplating launching a comedy podcast centered around data — or perhaps it’s a data podcast about comedy. Either way, I have Jordan Peele and Andy Borowitz intrigued. Now I just need to reel them in gradually.

Thanks to BOFace for the editorial finesse!

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Chapter 2: Analyzing Data Through Entertainment

This video features Andrew Word performing "Light Song" live in an acoustic setting, bringing a delightful blend of music and humor to the forefront.

In this entertaining video, titled "Andrew Have Diarrhoea Him A Do All Manner Of Things Now," humor takes center stage, showcasing Andrew's comedic storytelling.