Chapter 1: My Three Decades in Recovery

Having been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) for thirty years, my journey began after completing an alcohol treatment program centered around the Twelve Steps in 1992. Since then, I have maintained my sobriety. In my treatment class, there were fourteen individuals, but a year post-discharge, I found myself the only one still sober. I was aware of the treatment center's dismal success rates before entering, yet my desperation propelled me forward. My personal outcome was all that mattered.

Over the years, many of my peers from treatment eventually found sobriety, whether through AA, therapy, religious groups, or simply by quitting. This experience taught me that there are multiple paths to recovery, each deserving of support. However, collectively, they still couldn’t address the alcoholism crisis in my community. Tragically, my classmates who did not achieve sobriety are no longer with us.

From my very first meeting, I found a connection with AA. While some individuals may not resonate with it, I believe that if it doesn't appeal to you, it's best not to attend.

When I first arrived at AA, I came from a scientific background. Although the Big Book contained some outdated scientific concepts from 1939, I quickly realized that AA was not grounded in scientific methodology. Science is based on testable theories, funded research, and professional oversight. By scientific standards, AA’s approach was severely lacking.

Some courts have classified AA as a religious entity, which made more sense to me. It embodied ritual, emphasized humility, morality, and self-reflection, with frequent discussions about a higher power. I decided to evaluate AA using the criteria we apply to religious organizations rather than medical institutions. In doing so, I found that while AA lacked theology, clergy, and hierarchy, it was still more relatable than it was scientific.

I remain indifferent to questions about the existence of God. At one stage in my sobriety, I pursued post-doctoral studies in social sciences and can still adeptly produce APA citations. I appreciate scientific methods, and while the scientific community was generally kind to me, I never quite fit in. I even contemplated deepening my spiritual side by exploring organized religion and almost became Episcopalian, but ultimately, I hesitated. I couldn’t find my place there either. AA, however, felt like home. I respect the choices of scientists and churchgoers; we all seek our paths.

I thrive on three key social supports: work, family, and a spiritual community. AA serves as my spiritual haven, providing an environment outside of work and family where I am known, and where I’m reminded to not take myself too seriously. I cherish the rituals, the pre- and post-meeting conversations, as well as the social activities like picnics and camping trips.

While I recognize that AA may not be the ideal support network, I understand that the people who attend are often dealing with their own struggles. There may be more difficult personalities than I would prefer, and fewer genuinely caring individuals than I would like. However, my own family also has its shortcomings, and having spent most of my career as a lawyer, I find that the balance of difficult to kind people in AA mirrors that of my family and profession. I don’t require the best spiritual community; I simply need one that is dependable. The location where I attend AA meetings is accessible, free, and available every day of the year.

The structure of AA can be perplexing. Its absence of leadership and disdain for professionalism—which was particularly shocking to my lawyerly sensibilities—allows self-proclaimed experts to share misguided opinions freely. Newly sober individuals are often sensitive, and these loud, opinionated members can drive people away from the program. Personally, I’ve never been one to shy away from confrontation, so I’ve managed to navigate these personalities without much trouble. However, I empathize with those who might struggle more with this aspect of AA.

Upon entering treatment, I met all eleven criteria for Alcohol Use Disorder as outlined in the DSM-5. I was not uncertain about my alcoholism. I left treatment sober but found myself morally, financially, and spiritually depleted. My previous life in the bar scene was gone, and loneliness loomed large. To begin the arduous journey of mending the havoc I had wreaked, I needed a community of individuals who understood my struggles. It didn’t have to be an exceptional group; it just needed to be there for me during tough times. AA fulfilled that role. While it didn’t provide professional counseling or treatment for my alcoholism, it connected me with people who had faced similar challenges, who didn’t judge my past, and who could offer friendship when I needed it most.

Today, I don’t fear alcohol. I avoid environments where it’s present because I find it uncomfortable to engage with those under its influence. Given that most people in our society drink, this limitation can restrict my social life. Fortunately, the social network surrounding AA provides me with a sense of ease. Although I have never been particularly adept at making friends, my involvement in AA has filled my home with visitors, laughter, and camaraderie. I travel globally with my AA friends, support them in times of illness, and they bring me comfort when I am struggling.

In the early days of my sobriety, I attended a meeting and quietly assessed the attendees. I remember thinking one individual had so little going for him that he was destined to remain within the confines of AA for life. At that point, I was an unemployed, disbarred lawyer, gradually being welcomed back into my family. In the years that followed, I regained my law license, rebuilt trust with my family and in my career, began earning money, and eventually retired comfortably. Now, when I attend a meeting, I sense that newcomers might look at me and think I have so little going for me that I am fated to spend my later years in the rooms of AA. They are correct, and that’s precisely how I intend to spend them.

This video features Walker Hayes's song "AA," capturing the essence of his journey with alcohol and recovery, offering an emotional perspective on sobriety.

The lyric video for "AA" by Walker Hayes provides a deeper insight into the song's themes of struggle and triumph over addiction, resonating with those on similar paths.