Chapter 1: The Complexity of Mental Illness

Compassion doesn't equate to accepting harmful behavior.

I suspect that my former mother-in-law might have had an undiagnosed mental health condition. There were signs that hinted at various issues (though I won't delve into specifics). While some mental health conditions can be assessed through self-screening tools, there's ongoing debate in the medical community about the risks of self-diagnosis. Misdiagnosis can indeed be perilous, yet in situations where mental health care is hard to access, self-diagnosis may serve as a beneficial first step, allowing individuals to identify their struggles and seek appropriate resources. There are even mental health professionals on platforms like YouTube who provide valuable guidance and resources at no cost.

As someone on the autism spectrum, I don't classify autism as a mental illness. In my experience, it manifests more as a delay in social skills and a different way of processing information. However, undiagnosed autism can lead to distress and subsequent mental health challenges. The process of obtaining a diagnosis can often be prohibitively expensive, yet the same organizations that conduct assessments typically offer therapy for autism-related issues, regardless of a formal diagnosis.

It's crucial to note that self-diagnosis differs significantly from casually diagnosing someone else. We all recognize the inappropriateness of such armchair assessments. I'm not here to speculate about the conditions my ex-mother-in-law might have experienced, as I lack the insight or expertise to accurately gauge her situation. I couldn't comprehend her inner turmoil, nor could I discern whether she was genuinely suffering from severe issues or intentionally being deceitful.

There was a time when she told my ex-husband that she had seen me in a blue bikini, performing lap dances for our neighbor and his friends. Naturally, my ex found this absurd. The neighbor had a life-size cut-out of Sophia Vergara in a blue bikini, which my ex-mother-in-law may have misconstrued. Did she genuinely believe this incident occurred, or was it a fabricated story aimed at upsetting my husband? I have no answers. My ex simply attributed her claims to a "silly imagination."

Her behavior often indicated deeper mental health concerns. For example, she had an obsession with cleanliness; she would wash everything, including her Ziploc bags and food jars, to the point where the labels were nearly scrubbed off. Each item in her fridge would be shaken excessively upon retrieval, and she scrubbed her walls so frequently that the paint began to peel.

Visiting her home was always anxiety-inducing, not solely due to her verbal abuse, which my ex-husband expected me to tolerate, but also because I was constantly anxious about accidentally provoking her. Even the simplest actions could lead to explosive reactions, such as my washing a glass turning into accusations of destruction. Conversely, if I tried to avoid touching anything, I would be berated for not cleaning.

Ultimately, my ex-mother-in-law passed away from cancer. Initially, I thought her illness was unrelated to her mental health, but I now ponder the mind-body connection. Her state of constant stress and hyper-vigilance for years must have taken a toll on her. She had no friends, as her behavior alienated everyone around her, leading to a life of solitude and loneliness. I sometimes wonder if this loneliness contributed to her rapid decline after diagnosis.

I often reflect on mental health issues. Understanding them is a personal interest of mine. I've experienced the difficulty of trusting others to guide my treatment and the path to recovery. It's a journey that can lead to improvement for those facing mental health challenges.

As a child, I used to express to my mother my fears of being "crazy" due to my differences. Back then, I hadn't yet found my community. My mother reassured me that "crazy people" are unaware of their condition. However, I've since learned that individuals can recognize their mental health struggles. Some online influencers, for example, openly discuss their diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder, aiming to educate others about it.

This has reshaped my understanding; some individuals with Cluster B Personality Disorders can indeed be aware of their issues. I've seen those with schizoaffective disorders who understand when they are experiencing hallucinations. So, contrary to my mother's belief, many mentally ill individuals are fully conscious of their situation and must take responsibility for their actions.

When a family shares a delusion, it may stem from various factors, often as a coping mechanism. I can't determine whether my ex-mother-in-law was aware of her issues, but her family certainly recognized her troubling behavior without encouraging her to seek help. Instead, they enabled her, likely out of a misguided sense of protection.

She would visit doctors for physical ailments, often leaving with psychiatric referrals, which she dismissed as incompetence. In a rare moment of introspection, she asked me if she should see a psychiatrist to prove her sanity. I encouraged her to do so, but later, she denied our conversation ever took place.

Regrettably, my ex-mother-in-law passed away without ever receiving the mental health support she needed. While I believe we are responsible for our actions, I question whether she had the capacity to realize her condition. I still feel compassion for her, as proper treatment could have transformed her life for the better.

Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is far easier than attempting to heal from trauma later. I learned to protect my mental well-being by avoiding interactions with her whenever possible. I wouldn't engage with her during her outbursts and would evade encounters in public. While I could empathize with her struggles, I refused to tolerate her abuse.

To this day, I deal with the lingering effects of trauma from those interactions. Unexpected knocks at the door trigger panic attacks, but I've gradually learned to reassure myself that I'm safe. I take a moment to breathe deeply, grounding myself in the present.

Ultimately, it's vital to avoid individuals whose behavior harms you. Open communication can be beneficial, but not everyone is ready to change. It's crucial to establish boundaries early on rather than waiting until trauma has occurred.

Years passed before I recognized the need to set boundaries with my ex-mother-in-law. It took nearly a decade of marriage before I began to assert myself, and even now, I continue to work on my responses to triggers. This year, I aim to retrain my nervous system to respond differently to the doorbell. The upcoming holiday season will provide excellent opportunities for practice, reminding me that progress is a gradual journey.

Chapter 2: Seeking Support and Setting Boundaries

The first video titled "Mental illness should not be an excuse for bad behaviour" discusses the importance of accountability in mental health, emphasizing that having a mental illness does not justify harmful actions.

The second video, "EP 20: Is Mental Illness an Excuse for Poor Behavior?" explores the complexities of behavior and mental health, encouraging viewers to consider the line between understanding mental health struggles and enabling harmful behavior.