Relationships

# What is Your Attachment Style?

How to Work on Yourself for a Secure Attachment

At some point in our lives, we often ponder what truly contributes to a fulfilling and healthy existence. Many are familiar with the extensive Harvard study spanning 80 years, which sought to uncover the essence of happiness. The findings revealed that the quality of our relationships stands as the most crucial element, followed closely by health and wealth.

The surprising yet paradoxical nature of this conclusion is evident, especially in our current era, where reports indicate a decline in both life expectancy and birth rates over the past three years. Such statistics suggest a growing deficiency in happiness and well-being.

Despite the countless self-help books published annually claiming to provide solutions for achieving happiness, the demand for mental health therapy in the UK has surged, with one in eight individuals needing assistance.

Let that sink in for a moment!

During my quest to heal from personal relationship struggles, I realized the significance of my attachment style and delved deeply into its various forms. Essentially, the nature of your early relationships with caregivers influences your attachment style in all future interactions.

Modern psychoanalysis identifies four primary attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-Ambivalent, Disorganized, and Avoidant. As you might have guessed, only the Secure attachment style is deemed healthy. A free test is available to help you identify your attachment style, offering a fascinating opportunity for self-exploration.

# Let's Dive In

I perceive attachment styles as a form of programming. This trauma stems from caregivers' behaviors, and as children, we had no control over these experiences. However, as adults, we can start to confront these issues. It’s said that it’s never too late to rewire our brain circuits and break unhealthy habits.

To determine if you possess a secure attachment style, reflect honestly on the following questions with a Yes or No answer:

As Children, Did You

• Separate easily from your parent/caregiver?
• Seek comfort from your parents when scared?
• Welcome your parents' return with positive feelings?
• Prefer your parents/caregivers over strangers?

As Adults, Do You

• Maintain trusting, long-lasting relationships?
• Generally have good self-esteem?
• Openly share your feelings with partners and friends?
• Seek social support?
• Enjoy intimate relationships?
• Feel comfortable expressing your emotions to others?

If your responses lean towards No, review the materials below to find the one that best represents your relationship with yourself and others.

Individuals with attachment style issues often exhibit various symptoms. One such issue that is seldom discussed is the need for sexual validation. Both men and women may resort to sexual intimacy to gain approval from their partners; women often seek affirmation while men view it as a reward for their efforts. This dynamic can obscure the lack of genuine intimacy.

For those interested in learning more, numerous resources, including videos, books, and websites, delve into this topic. In this article, I will concentrate on how to cultivate a secure attachment style.

Contemporary literature often advocates seeking professional help, and I wholeheartedly support this if you believe it will benefit you.

# Working on Yourself Towards a Secure Attachment

I adopted a less conventional route, and after recognizing that I exhibited an Avoidant Fearful Attachment style, I embarked on a journey of self-improvement. Initially, I aimed to identify behaviors linked to my attachment style, which included:

• Trusting less and doubting others' intentions
• Using sex as a means of seeking approval
• Feeling torn between the desire for affection and the need for space
• Making excuses for neglectful behavior
• Experiencing self-doubt
• Closing myself off emotionally to others

From here, I began addressing each issue individually.

1. How You Rejected Them?

I also discerned which caregiver had a more profound impact on my attachment style. This required an honest and deep evaluation of their relationship with me, breaking the illusion of the parent-as-God concept.

The love-hate relationship that shaped my attachment style is central to this discussion. It's possible that personality fragmentation occurred, influencing my thoughts and actions in response to my caregiver. Acknowledging responsibility for my feelings and actions inevitably opens the door to deeper understanding.

Fragmentation might also have led to detachment from my parents. The journey to comprehend and unify oneself under an authentic identity requires embracing the risks of revealing feelings and beliefs that may not align with others' views.

This exploration does not imply guilt on your part, nor does it suggest that caregivers were consistently neglectful. Instead, it highlights the coping mechanisms we developed as children facing dysfunctional relationships.

2. Trust Issues

Examining how your attachment style affects your current relationships reveals that trust is a sensitive topic. Building trust and protection are challenging because these feelings emerge naturally from our interactions and the signals our intuition provides.

There may be filters that obstruct our sensitive side, or our programming reinforces a narrative of distrust, shaped by our caregivers' behaviors.

The more you cultivate self-trust, the more you will extend that trust to others.

We project our internal feelings onto the world around us. In the absence of trustworthy individuals, begin by trusting yourself. Of course, self-esteem and confidence may require rebuilding from a low point or starting anew.

A useful exercise is to periodically list your strengths and weaknesses. This practice helps you recognize your worth and accept yourself, flaws included.

In this dynamic, it's essential to model your psyche into a nurturing, loving, and protective figure. Simply put, you need to be the parent you lacked, in the way you talk to and treat yourself daily.

3. Identifying Emulated Patterns

Fear of pain, fear of being hurt again, and avoidance of vulnerability were persistent patterns I recognized. I often sought excuses to detach from emotional involvement.

Once these patterns are identified, it may be challenging to break free from old habits. The risk of being hurt or taken advantage of remains, but how we respond to these situations can change, as can our self-confidence to care for ourselves regardless of circumstances.

Transforming the patterns that shape our emotional landscape requires significant courage and time.

Getting Physical

Connecting with both your body and mind often leads to more meaningful and authentic relationships. This transformation reframes sex from a means of impressing others or seeking rewards into an expression of love and enjoyment.

# In Conclusion

I firmly believe in the importance of self-work and understanding both our conscious and unconscious selves. The journey of introspection aims to reveal and restore our life's original purpose. Within this broader context lies a piece of the puzzle: attachment styles. Gaining insight into these underlying mechanisms can enhance our lives.

Healthier relationships contribute significantly to a happier life.

Thank you for reading, engaging, and sharing your thoughts.

If you found this article helpful, consider exploring my Wellness List for more insights.