Chapter 1: The Truth Beneath the Surface

As I navigate through years of experiences, each step taken with careful consideration, I uncover increasingly brilliant yet small truths. To others, they might seem insignificant. Honestly, they didn't mean much to me at first either. In many ways, truth holds more value for me than time itself.

My awareness of my own self-deception began at the age of 31, sparked by a documentary on Chaz Bono’s transition. What started as simple curiosity ended with a mix of exhilaration and deep fear. Something about that film unlocked a heavy door that had long been shut and secured. Even as the truth threatened to upend my entire understanding of myself, I still doubted it.

Surely, this couldn't be accurate.

Looking back, I found myself repeating the same questions, hoping for a different response. (You know the old saying about insanity? It might just apply to me.) The reality was undeniable: I was a transgender man. Acceptance didn’t require my approval, but it demanded my acknowledgment.

Pandora’s box had swung wide open.

Every effort to shove everything back inside proved pointless. Believe me, I tried with every ounce of my being. On a typical day, I struggle just to get by. How could I possibly manage everything that came with this revelation?

I kept my identity crisis a secret, allowing the chaos to consume me from within. That was until one fateful day when a perfect insight landed in my lap.

Perched on the top step of my fire escape, enjoying a cigarette, I found solace in the beautiful day. For once, even the birds nesting in my air conditioning unit seemed to agree. As I absorbed their harmonious chirping, a moment of clarity struck me.

I had completely overlooked the most evident proof of my identity.

I'm a dreamer, always have been. In every dream throughout my life, I had never envisioned myself as a girl or woman. Instead, I always appeared as a man.

It was as if the skies opened up, and a blinding light illuminated my reality. The world around me paused.

Not in a “Beam me up, Scotty” kind of way, but in a moment of clarity where I finally understood. Realistically, I might have been dissociating, but that's not the focus right now.

This realization was the turning point I desperately needed. I couldn't question the truth of that moment. How could I? I never consciously chose to be one of the guys in my dreams; it just was.

I wish I could conclude with, "…and he lived happily ever after after embracing his true self."

But alas, that would be incorrect.

Even this realization didn’t stop my struggle against acceptance. You might not know me well (though many do), but...

I am a

STUBBORN

individual.

Go ahead, ask the universe, God, or whatever higher power you believe in. It would share countless stories of how it attempted to reach me, only to be baffled by my ignorance despite my spiritual insight.

This leads to another instance worth sharing.

Refreshment break!

Recently, some conflicting childhood memories resurfaced. While they might seem mundane, they all relate to one person.

No, not me! Focus here.

Children naturally idolize their elders, seeing them as the epitome of perfection. One individual completely flew under my radar regarding idolization — or so I thought. The time spent together taught me how to navigate the world, and also how NOT to.

Through my admiration, I learned humor, charm, and a sense of mystery — traits I wouldn’t recognize until much later in life.

Eventually, I realized there was a thread of narcissism involved. The humor and charm often masked manipulative tendencies.

I understand how often people toss around the term narcissism, quickly labeling someone as irredeemable. This isn’t a diagnosis, and I don’t believe this individual is inherently evil. I’ll save my thoughts on narcissism for another time.

What traits did I notice early on, if the "positives" came later?

Stubbornness, need for control, selfishness, a desire to be right, and a tough exterior. To me, the ideal man was a narcissist.

I once jokingly told a friend that I learned all my bad traits from this person.

"It's like I knew, but I didn’t really KNOW… you know?"

This friend is exceptionally insightful. Indeed, she understands.

Throughout my life, I’ve encountered many similar instances, some as recent as the past year. Don’t worry, I won’t list them all.

Fooling myself, in some ways, ties back to my need for control. It’s important to clarify that this need isn’t solely a learned behavior; it originates from my mental health struggles and how I experience the world.

When everything feels chaotic, I instinctively seek something I can control. If I can't find it externally, I turn that need inward.

This self-control can manifest in various ways: creating rigid routines, taking on projects I’m not ready for, or trying to accomplish an overwhelming number of tasks in a single day.

It never occurred to me that one of these forms could be "playing pretend." The idea that I could subconsciously convince myself of ignorance is remarkably clever — a fascinating aspect of human psychology.

If you pretend for long enough that you’re unaware, you can start to believe it. This also applies to positive affirmations; the more you reinforce certain ideas, the more you internalize them. We engage in this process, whether we are aware of it or not.

Ultimately, this leads back to the Jungian concept of the shadow — a topic I’ve explored before.

You can find more about it below.

There is ONE clear lesson I’ve gleaned from this incredible journey of existence.

Everything is intertwined.

To perceive it, one must simply open their mind’s eye.

Much love.

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